When Times Are Tough
by Hotflash
Summary: Will the pressures of the job be too much for Roy? Will his friends be able to pull him through tough times or will Roy's life be changed forever? **PLEASE LEAVE ME A REVIEW** I value the opinions of Emergency! fans. Thank you.
1. Chapter 1

*I am not a first responder and I do not work in the medical field. This story is strictly for entertainment purposes and I don't guarantee the scenes will be realistically or accurately portrayed in terms of technicalities. I have no claim to characters from the television show Emergency! While in most instances I try to be true to the spirit of the show, I reserve the right to take liberties as to character development, "known history" of the characters etc., because my stories are for my own entertainment. I hope you, as readers will enjoy it too. I would welcome and very much appreciate a review from each reader. I take constructive criticism well and love the opportunity to improve my writing. If you must, leave it anonymously, although I would much prefer to be able to thank you for your comments and suggestions. Anonymous reviews are better than none at all. Thanks for checking it out. ENJOY!!

When Times Are Tough

**Chapter one**

"Good Morning," he said to his partner as he walked into the locker room. "How was your day off?"

"Oh, Hi Roy. My day off was great! I had the best day off imaginable," answered the tall paramedic with too long of hair.

"Oh? What made it so great?" piped another fireman, Chet Kelly as he reached his locker.

Johnny chuckled. "You weren't there!" he quipped.

Roy smiled. Johnny and Chet loved to get a rise out of each other. They were always bickering and giving each other a hard time. Nobody else seemed to mind. For the most part, it kept them amused, if nothing else.

"Ha ha, Gage. Very funny!" responded Chet, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

As Roy started to change into his uniform he redirected Johnny. "So, what _did_ make it so great?" he asked.

"Well," started Johnny. "Remember that cute nurse at Rampart, Sharon?"

"Yeah, what about her?" Roy encouraged Johnny to continue, as he buttoned up his shirt.

"Well, I have been trying to get her to go out with me for weeks…" Johnny continued.

"I know!" Roy said continuing to change.

Johnny ignored Roy's comment and kept talking. "Every time I talk to her and ask her out, she starts hemming around, and before I can get an answer out of her, we get a call, right?" He continued.

"Sounds about right." Answered Roy.

"At least, that's his version of the story," threw in Marco, who had begun to change into his uniform as well. The other men, including Mike Stoker, the engineer, laughed.

Johnny continued to ignore the ribbing the other guys were giving him. He was used to it. In fact, if they hadn't been ribbing him, he would have thought they were mad at him or something. It's just what went on in a fire station. The men who worked together became brothers.

"Anyway," he said. "I thought, how am I going to get her to give me an answer? So I decided to stop by on my way home after our last shift. I asked Dixie if it wasn't too busy if she'd mind if I borrowed Sharon and took her for a cup of coffee. Well, Dixie said she thought that would be fine so I went up to her and asked if she'd mind taking her coffee break with me. She started to protest that she was on duty but Dixie came to my rescue and told her to take a short break, so she did."

"Hey fellas, roll call in two minutes," shouted a voice from the office.

"Right, Cap," Mike hollered back.

"That's it Gage? You coerced her into having coffee with you and that made it the best day off ever? Poor girl."

"Shut up, Chet!" snapped Johnny. "She had coffee with me and I asked her out and she agreed."

"Good for you, Johnny," said Marco. "Come on. We don't want to keep Captain Stanley waiting."

The men, looking sharp in their uniforms, lined up in the apparatus room as their captain took roll and gave out assignments for the day. "Mike, Marco? You two head out to the hose tower. Gage, linens. Chet…"

"Yeah, I know Cap. Latrines," interrupted Kelly.

"Right! DeSoto, catch up the logs and its your turn for chow. What's for supper?"

"Chinese take-out, I hope," Marco answered. Roy rolled his eyes, the other men laughed. They loved to give Roy a bad time about his cooking. He wasn't really a bad cook. His food was at least edible. But, it didn't compare to Mike Stoker's spaghetti, Cap's clam chowder or Marco's Tacos.

"You order take out if you want to, but you'll be missing a real treat," Roy responded.

"What is it, Roy?" Asked Mike.

"If I told you, then you'd know."

Hank Stanley shook his head with a slight smirk on his face. He knew the paramedic would not poison them and he knew Roy could be sensitive when it came to his cooking. "All right, men. Get going. The sooner we get started, the sooner we'll be finished."

The men split up to their assignments. Roy and Johnny went and inventoried the supplies on the squad, checked the EKG calibration with the base station at Rampart and made sure everything was as it should be with the squad. Then they went to help Mike and Marco with the hoses. The previous shift had changed out a lot of hose the morning before and now they had to put all the dry hoses away.

The morning was pretty slow for the crew and soon they were all sitting around the day room having coffee and ribbing each other whenever the opportunity presented itself. "Hey Johnny?" said Roy. Why don't we head out and get what I need for supper."

"Sure, Roy. Why not?" said Johnny as the two got up to leave. As soon as Roy's hand touched the driver's door, the Klaxons sounded. Roy turned around and copied down the information as the dispatcher spoke.

"Squad 51, Motor vehicle accident, unknown injuries, intersection of Fifth Avenue and Anita Boulevard. Time out 10:47."

"Squad 51 responding, L.A. KMG-365", Roy answered into the mike. He slid in behind the wheel of the squad, handed Johnny the paper he had written the address on and pulled out of the station, putting his helmet on as he drove.

The two paramedics were all business on the way to a call. The only conversation would be about the call itself or how best to get there. It was always that way. The men had a job to do and that was foremost on their minds. Roy just hoped it didn't involve children. Those calls were among the worst. Being a father himself, he could never help but wonder, what if was his child?

As the squad approached the scene, Roy could see it was going to be a bad one. There was a station wagon that looked more like a compact after the accident. It had rear-ended a delivery truck at what must have been full speed, judging by the wreckage.

Johnny and Roy jumped out of the squad and sprang into action. Roy ran to check on the driver of the station wagon while Johnny headed for the truck. Loud music was coming from the station wagon. Roy reached past the unconscious driver and shut the radio off. Then he began to assess the situation.

When Johnny reached the truck he could see that the driver was still seated, but he was alert and didn't appear to be too seriously injured at first glance. "Sir, are you hurt any where?" Johnny asked.

"Man, I don't think anything's broken or anything, but my neck sure hurts a helluva lot," answered the man.

"Well, don't move. What's your name?"

"George. George Adams"

"Well, George, my name is John Gage. I'm a paramedic with the County Fire Department. I'm gonna check you out and we'll see about getting you outta here." Just then, Vince Howard, a police officer, came over to Johnny.

"What do you think, John?" he asked.

"I think he'll be okay, but I'm gonna check him out. What about the other vehicle? What's Roy got over there?"

"Apparently, a driver and a passenger. The driver is Code F," (deceased) said Vince. "He's working on the passenger, a young girl." I called in for an ambulance and the engine company should be here any minute."

"Well, you better make that two ambulances. When the engine company gets here, have them bring me a c-collar and a back board." In the background Johnny could hear the sirens and the sound of the engine slowing down as E-51 rolled on to the scene and pulled to a stop.

"Will do."

"Thanks Vince." Johnny turned back to his patient. "Okay, now. I'm gonna feel your neck and back and check for any spinal damage before we move you. Now don't try to help me, let me do all the work. You just let me know if anything hurts, okay?"

"Yeah, okay," said George in obvious pain. While Johnny checked him out, Captain Stanley and Marco jogged over to him with the backboard and C-collar."

"John…" said the Captain, handing John the collar.

"Thanks Cap," said John. "I don't see any signs of spinal damage, it's probably just a case of whiplash, but let's get him on the back board just in case. I'll have this collar on and be ready to pull him out of here in just a sec."

"Sure thing, John. Lopez and I will help in any way we can."

Meanwhile, Roy was with the young girl. Her tiny body was just crumpled on the ground looking lifeless when he had found her. The paramedic's stomach got queasy. It always did when a child was seriously hurt. He was afraid she might be dead. He felt her pulse. At least she had one. He guessed her to be about 5, maybe 6 years old. She was unconscious and for that Roy was grateful. It wasn't good, but at least she wasn't feeling the pain yet. She had a large laceration on her forehead over her right eye, to which Roy immediately applied pressure. Her face was badly bruised and swollen. She had lost a lot of blood from the head injury. Roy knew she was shocky and he would have to start an IV soon. With Johnny tied up with another victim and the engine company not to him yet, he decided to borrow a willing bystander to give him a hand. He had to contact Rampart, and fast. "Hey you," he said, pointing to a nearby young man in his twenties while looking him in the eye. "You think you could give me a hand?" The young man hightailed it right over and kneeled down beside the girl.

"What can I do?" he asked.

"What's your name?" asked Roy.

"Aaron," he answered.

"Well Aaron, I'd appreciate it if you would hold this bandage to her head and apply pressure while I contact the hospital. Do you think you can do that?"

"Yeah, sure," answered Aaron. Roy opened up the bio-phone, attached the antenna and called the hospital.

"Rampart, Squad 51. How do you read?"

A strong and confident voice on the other end answered. "Loud and clear 51. Go ahead."

"Rampart, we have a motor vehicle accident. It looks like 3 victims, one code F. Second victim is an approximately 5 year-old female, with a head injury. She is unconscious but breathing on her own. She has a large laceration on her forehead above her right eye. She has lost a lot of blood." Condition of third victim is unknown at this time."

"10-4, 51. Have you controlled the bleeding?"

"That's affirmative, Rampart."

What are the vitals on victim 2?" asked Dr. Kelly Bracket.

"Stand by for vitals, Rampart," Roy answered. "How are you doing?" he asked Aaron as he looked back at him while starting to attach the blood pressure cuff to the limp child in front of him.

"I'm okay…" Aaron said. "Is _she_ gonna be okay?" he asked, obviously very concerned.

"Well, we're gonna do all we can for her and get her to a hospital," answered Roy, reassuringly. "They'll take good care of her." Roy got quiet while he read the blood pressure, counted the child's pulse and respirations. Then he got back on the bio-phone as he heard Engine 51 pull up to the scene. "Rampart. Victim two's vitals are as follows: BP 95 over 60, pulse 95 and weak, respirations shallow and labored. We have not located a parent for authorization to treat, Rampart."

"10-4, 51. It can't wait. Start IV, Ringers Lactate. Is she on 0-2 yet?" asked Dr. Bracket.

"Affirmative, Rampart. We just started 0-2."

"Any other injuries?"

"Affirmative. Patient may well have a broken right arm and I'm checking for other injuries as we speak. It feels like she may have a couple of broken ribs on the right side as well. Will start IV, Ringers Lactate. Also Rampart, ambulance has just arrived on scene."

"10-4 51, keep me posted."

"10-4 Rampart." Roy started the IV in his small patient. He was truly worried she might not make it. Before he finished getting the IV going, Johnny hurried over. He had left his Captain and Marco Lopez to stay with the truck driver who had just been moved onto a backboard. The ambulance attendants would have him loaded and ready to go soon.

"I can take it from here," he said to the young man helping Roy. "Thanks." Aaron didn't respond verbally, but he got up and out of the paramedic's way. Johnny checked on the bleeding from the laceration and it had pretty much stopped. He got out his penlight and checked her pupils. "Roy, right pupil is dilated and non-reactive. Left pupil is normal."

"Okay," he answered. "How's the truck driver?" He was checking the girl's Babinsky reflex. Roy was disappointed, but not surprised to find it was positive. He felt overwhelmingly sick at that moment.

"Oh, he's gonna be fine. Cap and Marco are with him. Just whiplash, looks like." Johnny stepped around to the bio-phone. "I'll touch base with Rampart. Looks like we've done about all we can do aside from the collar and backboard and a splint for that arm. Let's get her ready to transport." Roy nodded.

Johnny picked up the bio-phone. "Rampart, Squad 51. Victim two has a positive Babinsky. Her left pupil is normal, right is dilated and non-reactive. Also we are splinting the right arm. We are preparing her for transport."

"10-4, 51. Make it _fast_. What about the third victim?"

"Victim three is a male. 40 years old. Probable whiplash. No other apparent injuries. He is about ready to transport, Rampart."

Upon arriving at the scene a few minutes earlier, Chet Kelly had taken one look at the little girl and knew it was bad. He had run back to the squad to get the splints for Roy. He took out the appropriate one and handed it to him. "Thanks, Chet," said Roy taking it from him.

"What about the driver?" asked Chet. Roy shook his head, sadly. Kelly lowered his head in sad acknowledgement.

A few minutes later, both patients had been loaded into ambulances. Johnny climbed in to ride with his patient in one ambulance and Roy climbed in behind the little girl after loading his equipment into the other. Chet closed the doors and gave two taps, signaling the driver that they were ready to go. He told his Captain, "I'll take the squad in."

"Right," answered Captain Stanley.

A short time later, both ambulances had arrived at Rampart General. Roy was relieved to be there, hoping _they_ could do more than he had been able to for the little girl. He felt almost helpless and he hated it. Once the hospital staff had taken over, Roy, Johnny and Chet stepped into the lounge to wash up and have a cup of coffee.

"Man, _that_ was _rough!" _Chet said.

"Sure was," answered Johnny. Roy didn't say anything. When the other two men looked his way, he seemed to be far off from his present surroundings.

"Roy?" Johnny was concerned about his friend. Roy didn't hear him and didn't answer. Johnny put his hand on his shoulder and again said, "Roy? You okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. It's just that I can't stop thinking about that little girl. What…."

"If it was _your_ little girl?" Johnny interrupted, finishing Roy's sentence for him. Roy just looked at him. "Roy, you can't go there. It wasn't Katie. She's safely at home with JoAnn. You keep dwelling on thoughts like that and this job will kill you."

"Yeah, Junior. You're right," was all he said back. It didn't change anything. He still couldn't think about things any differently. He also couldn't stop thinking about the girls' mother. From the looks of it she lost a teenaged son and now would be facing losing her young daughter as well. And it appeared to be all because the teenaged driver was more concerned about the radio than what was going on around him on the road. There had been no skid marks at the scene. He probably had not even noticed that the truck in front of him was stopped. The impact had thrown his little sister through the windshield. Neither had been wearing a seatbelt either. The whole thing could have been easily prevented; a fact that was not lost on any of the firemen that day.

With heavy hearts, the three firemen filed out of the lounge to put themselves back in service. Passing the base station, Roy made eye contact with Dixie, the Nurse in charge. "Dix, any word yet?"

Dixie lowered her head. "Doesn't look good Roy. I'll call you."

"Thanks," he answered and the three men walked out without another word. When they got in the squad, Johnny called in as available.


	2. Chapter 2

**Please read and remember to leave me a review. I value all feedback be it positive or constructive criticism. Thanks! -Hotflash***

**When Times Are Tough**

Chapter Two

It was nearly 1:00 when Squad 51 backed into the stall at the station. Johnny and Roy had left the hospital, dropped Chet back off at the station and then gone out to pick up the groceries for the mystery supper Roy was supposed to fix. Johnny carefully recorded the time of their return for the records and the two got out of the squad and took the groceries into the day room.

"Any word on the kid, Roy?" asked Chet.

"I guess not," replied Roy. " I was going to ask you the same thing."

"Sorry, no call from the hospital yet," Chet answered.

"Guys, you two did a great job out there. I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you."

Roy shrugged in response to his Captain. It didn't really matter how great a job they did if the girl didn't make it.

"You want some help there, Roy?" asked Mike.

"With what?"

"Preparing supper. I don't have anything better to do if you'd like a hand."

"Yeah, that would be a good thing. Mike is a much better cook!" chided Marco. The guys all chuckled, except Roy who just rolled his eyes.

"No thanks, Mike. I think I can handle it. But thanks for the offer."

"Sure thing, Roy," answered Mike.

Roy set the groceries down on the counter and then excused himself. He left the dayroom and went into the dorm to use the phone where there was a little privacy. After sitting at the desk with the phone in his hand a minute, he slowly dialed the number to home.

"DeSoto residence."

"JoAnn, it's me," said Roy, glad to hear his wife's voice.

"Roy, are you okay?" she asked hearing something in his voice that told her he really wasn't.

"Me? Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I just wanted to see how you and the kids were doing."

JoAnn knew there was a lot more to the story that Roy wasn't telling her, but she was a firefighter's wife and she knew it was her job to reassure him. He'd talk about it when he was ready. "We're fine, Roy. Chris and Katie are just changing from their bathing suits into dry clothes. They have had a great time playing in the sprinkler this afternoon."

"Oh, that's…that's great. Well, as long as everyone is having a good day. I better get back to work."

"Okay Sweetheart. Thanks for checking on us," JoAnn played along.

"That's my job." He tried to sound more chipper.

"Goodbye, Roy."

"Goodbye, JoAnn. Hey, Annie?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too, Roy."

"Give the kids a kiss and a hug from me, will you?"

"Of course. See you tomorrow." Roy hung up the phone and just sat there for a few minutes. Finally he got up and walked back into the day room. At least preparing supper might be a distraction from his thoughts.

Roy washed his hands and then took the groceries out of the bag and set them out on the counter. He got a cutting board out and a sharp knife then started washing the fresh vegetables. First he cut up broccoli, then cauliflower, shallots, zucchini, asparagus, mushrooms and red and orange bell peppers. He put them all in a large bowl with the heavier vegetables on top, covered it and placed it in the refrigerator. It was way to early to start cooking, but it would make things easier later to have the prep work done. He cleaned up the mess and got the pork steaks out of the package. He set them in a shallow dish, sprinkled them lightly with garlic and _"Johnny's Seasoning Salt"_ and poured some Italian dressing over them. He covered them and placed them in the refrigerator to marinate.

He was about to clean that up and get the garlic bread ready, but the Klaxons sounded again. He started to head to the apparatus room when he realized the call was for the engine company. Rubbish fire. He was relieved. That meant he might get some time to himself, _if_ he could keep Johnny from pestering him. Roy cleaned up from preparing the pork steaks and decided he could prep the garlic bread later.

Roy didn't know where Johnny was at the moment, but he didn't want to talk so he went out back of the station to the refurbished antique fire engine that he and Johnny had bought a few years ago. He uncovered it. Just the sight of it nearly took his breath away. Something about that beautiful piece of equipment always had that same effect on him. Roy checked to make sure his shoes were clean then climbed up and into the driver's seat. With his hands on the wheel he sat there a minute imagining what it must have been like when the rig had actually been in service.

When the Captain called his name, Roy had no idea how long he had been sitting there. He still had not been able to escape the thoughts of the way that little girl had looked. Small, crumpled, broken and lifeless. He wanted desperately for the phone to ring, Dixie on the other end saying the child would pull through.

"Roy! " There was no response. "Roy, are you okay pal?"

"Huh? Oh, hi Cap," Roy responded, slowly coming back to the current time and place.

"Are you okay? Have you heard from the hospital yet?"

"No…. I'm okay Cap but no word yet from Rampart."

Just then Johnny came walking over. He looked beaten down and tired. Roy noticed his posture and realized he wasn't the only one this morning's call had impacted. "Johnny?"

"Roy, Dixie just called. The little girl…" Johnny choked trying to get the words out. "She… she didn't make it Roy. They couldn't save her."

Tears came to Roy's eyes and he turned away so his partner and Captain wouldn't see. He felt a strong wave of nausea come over him again and fought to ward it off. "What about her parents?" Roy asked.

"According to Dix, they still haven't been reached. I guess their neighbors said they were out of town and the girl's brother was taking care of her."

"Boy is that rough," said Captain Stanley, wishing he could help his men feel better. These two were the best paramedic team in the county. He was proud to have them working under him. But even more importantly, they were family. "I'm really sorry to hear that. I know how hard you tried to save her. If there's anything I can do…"

"Yeah, we know Cap. Thanks." It was Johnny who spoke. Roy could barely breathe let alone try to get any words out. He took some slow deep breaths and turned to his partner, knowing Johnny was hurting as much has he was.

With every ounce of strength he could muster he started to speak. "You okay, partner?"

"I don't want to talk about it, Roy. I don't want to talk."

"I know exactly how you feel, Junior," Roy said and he walked back into the station.

Johnny looked up into the sky as if to ask God why He could let such awful things happen. Inside though, he knew this wasn't what God wanted for anyone. He turned to walk back into the station. Realizing the cover was off the old antique engine, he walked over and covered it up carefully. When he was through he walked over to his Rover, opened the door and climbed in. He just wanted to be alone.

In some ways, it was a relief to the two paramedics that the rest of the afternoon and part of the evening kept them running. They didn't chat between calls at all. Each of them was in their own way trying to cope with the loss of a little girl they had so desperately tried to save. The part that bothered Roy the most was that the child's mother and father had lost two children that day and they didn't even know it yet. Worse, it had been completely preventable.

It was a little after 7:00 pm when Roy finally backed the squad into the station house. Roy and Johnny were exhausted and emotionally drained. The two headed to the bathroom to wash up. Neither man said a word. When they finished they walked into the dayroom. Neither was particularly hungry, but they both knew the Captain would insist they eat something.

Roy was very grateful to see that Mike had taken over where he had left off in preparing the food. Mike was a good cook and knew his way around the kitchen pretty well. He had sautéed the vegetables in olive oil and seasoned them with a little mirin and _Johnny's Seasoning Salt_. He had grilled the steaks and buttered the bread, sprinkled it lightly with garlic herb seasoning and heated it in the oven until it was warm and soft on the inside and crusty on the outside. He was just setting everything on the table when the two of them had walked in.

"Mike, thanks," Roy simply said.

"Don't mention it," Mike answered. "You two have some chow and hit the sack. You must be beat."

"You got that right," Johnny said without much enthusiasm.

The rest of the crew very much enjoyed the meal Roy had started and Mike had finished. Ordinarily they would have given Roy a hard time even though it was actually quite good. Tonight however, they wanted nothing more for the shift to be over and everyone to go home. They hated seeing their friends hurting so much and there wasn't anything any of them could do about it. Johnny and Roy kind of picked at their meals not really having any interest in eating. After a short time they both gave up trying to eat, cleared their plates, excused themselves and went to bed.

Lying on their bunks, neither one slept. Roy felt a little guilty. He knew his partner was as upset as he was and he had been focused on himself. _Some friend_, he thought to himself. Beating himself up mentally he thought what a lousy paramedic and a lousy friend he was. _ Maybe I should just quit._

Mercifully, no calls came in that night. After what seemed like an eternity the morning tones sounded. Captain Stanley responded over the radio and the men got up. The morning was very quiet, as each got ready to turn the station over to B shift. For Roy it couldn't come soon enough.

"See you in two days, Johnny," said Roy. "Take care of yourself."

"Yeah, Roy. You too."


	3. Chapter 3

Please remember to leave me a review. I truly value each and every one. Thanks :DWhen Times Are Tough

Chapter Three

Roy was very relieved to pull into the drive at his home that morning. All he wanted to do was see his wife and kids and tell them how much he loved them. Unfortunately that would have to wait a while. JoAnn was taking the kids to school at that very moment. Katie was in kindergarten and Chris was in second grade. Where had the time gone? It seemed like just yesterday that Chris had been born.

Roy walked up to his house, unlocked the door and went inside. He was greeted to the wonderful sweet smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls. He knew this was JoAnn's way of saying she knew something was wrong and she was there for him when he wanted to talk, without having to actually say it to him. She was a wonderful wife. She was always ready to give him what he needed when he needed it.

Trouble, their two-year old beagle ran up to Roy and welcomed him home, tail wagging furiously. Roy squatted down and scratched Trouble behind the ears then patted him on the back and hugged the dog. "Hey boy, did you miss me?" He stood back up and walked into the kitchen. He took off his jacket and laid it over the back of a chair. He walked over to the sink, washed his hands, and let out a big sigh. It sure was good to be home.

He went to the cupboard and pulled out two large coffee mugs and filled one with the fresh coffee JoAnn had made before she left to take the kids to school. She would be back soon and the two would probably sit on the back deck sharing coffee and conversation as they usually did when he got home from work. Roy sat down at the kitchen table and started to look at the newspaper that had been carefully set at his usual spot. He turned to the Sports section. He liked to pick which horses he thought might win and compare his predictions to the actual results, just for fun. He was not much of a betting man, other than the occasional firehouse bet but he was amazingly accurate in his predictions.

It wasn't long before he heard the station wagon pull up to the house. After a moment he heard the car door slam and then the sound of his wife entering their home. She came directly to the kitchen and over to him. She stood behind the chair he was sitting in and bent over, putting her arms around her husband and pressing her right cheek against his left one. Roy pressed his head against hers then turned and kissed her on the cheek.

"Rough shift?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Yeah, it was." He answered. "But I'm not really ready to talk about it yet."

"I understand. Are you hungry?"

He wasn't particularly, but he knew she had gone out of her way for him so he fibbed. "Yeah, sure I am."

JoAnn dished up a fresh cinnamon roll for each of them and set them on the table. She saw the empty cup on the counter, filled it with coffee and warmed up Roy's cup as well. After grabbing a couple of forks and napkins, she sat down at the table with her husband. Roy took a bite of the sweet and still warm cinnamon roll. It was very good and he told her so.

She smiled in appreciation and said, "Katie made you a picture, Roy."

"Yeah?" he replied.

"She asked me to help her with the words and she wrote on it for you. It's hanging on the refrigerator."

Roy looked across the room to the refrigerator and, in the center of the door there was a crayon drawing resembling Squad 51 and two stick figures wearing blue shirts and helmets. One was labeled "DaDDy" and the other "UNcle JohNNy." At the bottom of the picture it said, "DaDDy, yOre mY hero aND UNcle JohNNY is mY other her." Some of the letters were backwards. Roy couldn't help but laugh. "Johnny will love that…her!"

"I thought you'd like that," JoAnn said, smiling.

When the only things left on their plates were their forks, a few crumbs and a hint of sticky cinnamon icing, JoAnn got up and took them to the sink. She refilled each of their cups and then took Roy's hand in hers. He took the hint and stood up, facing her. Roy put his arms around her and bent down to kiss her gently. She kissed him back with enthusiasm. "I _love_ you," she said and hugged him closer.

Roy kissed her more passionately in response. He loved her _so_ much. He couldn't help but respond to her passion and he led her gently to their bedroom. When things were settled down between them again they lay there quietly. She was on her side with her left leg over his, her head on his shoulder and her arm reaching across his broad hairy chest. Roy had one arm around his wife his other hand rested on the back of her left thigh. For the first time in nearly 24 hours he felt relaxed.

After a while of just holding his wife, breathing in her scent and enjoying her warmth, Roy spoke. "How would you feel about me applying for a promotion?" he asked.

Roy had done very well on the engineer's exam a few years back and had been offered a promotion that he eventually had turned down. It would have meant giving up being a paramedic.

"Is that what you really want?" JoAnn asked.

"I don't know…maybe," he answered.

"Why Roy? You love being a paramedic… and Captain Stanley has said you are the best one in the department. Do you really want to give that up?"

"I think maybe I'm ready to," he said.

"Why Roy?"

He answered her question with another one. "Why not?"

JoAnn knew it was a rhetorical question so she remained silent. She wished she knew what was hurting her husband. She realized he was beating himself up inside and she hated that she couldn't stop him. She lay there in his arms quietly, just hoping that he would get through this quickly, whatever it was. She was determined to just 'love him through it.' Silently she prayed, "God, please hold on to my husband. What ever this is that is hurting him so much, please just take it from him."

After a while she asked, "Roy? What time is it?" Roy sort of half sat up and tried to look at his watch.

"It's almost 11," he answered. "I guess we had better go pick up Katie."

Although he had sounded nonchalant about it, Roy was excited that he would be picking up his daughter soon. He kept seeing the image of the little girl he had lost only with Katie's face. He wanted to hug Katie and see for himself that she really was okay. After he and JoAnn had dressed, Roy drove them to the school. They met Katie at her classroom door.

"Daddy, daddy, I missed you!" said the little girl hugging Roy's leg. Roy bent down and picked her up.

"I missed you too, Princess. Ready to go home?"

"Uh huh," she answered, hugging his neck.

On the way home Roy told his daughter how much he loved the picture she had made for him and what a good little artist she was.

"It's you and Uncle Johnny at work," she said.

"It _sure_ is," he said.

At home, Katie sat on her daddy's lap as he read her the story, "The Little Engine That Could." Roy read with enthusiasm using different voices and sound effects as he did so. Katie enjoyed it very much and asked him to read it again and again. Roy read it to her twice before telling her, "Daddy has to get some work done around here. Why don't you go ask your mother to read to you?"

Katie slid off of her daddy's lap and bounced off to find her mother. Roy got up and changed into some beat up work clothes then headed outside to change the oil in the station wagon. He spent the rest of the afternoon on projects that needed to be done. The lawn was mowed. The garbage around the house was gathered and taken out. Several light bulbs were replaced and a couple of squeaky door hinges were oiled, among other things.

It was a little after three in the afternoon when Roy sat down at the kitchen table with a glass of milk. JoAnn had taken Katie with her to pick up Katie's older brother, Chris. A moment later the phone rang. Without having to get up out of his seat, Roy reached over to the telephone on the counter and answered it. "DeSoto residence."

"Hi Roy," said a familiar voice on the other end. _Stoker?_

"Mike?"

"Yeah. I was just calling to see how you were doing. I know you were having a tough time of it when you left the station this morning."

"Well, I appreciate your concern Mike. I'm okay. It's just… It's rough, you know?"

"Yeah, I do know. Some things you never get used to," agreed Mike.

"You said it, my friend. You _said_ it. Listen, thanks for thinking of me. I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Okay Roy, but… If you need to talk to someone, you can call me." Mike was the quiet one from 51's A shift, but the men all knew how sensitive and caring he really was.

"I really appreciate that Mike. I really do," said Roy then gently hung up the phone.


	4. Chapter 4

Please remember to leave a review. I accept the good, the bad and the ugly! They are most helpful in encouraging me to write more and "Elf" even caught a MAJOR mistake for me. (Thanks, Elf!) DocSara1 also left me a lot of input that was most helpful. (Thanks Doc!) Thanks everyone for reading. I hope you enjoy it. -Hotflash

When Times Are Tough

Chapter Four

When the sun rose the next morning, Johnny was already awake, trying to enjoy the "camp coffee" he had made. He was watching the sunrise from the comfort of a sleeping bag under the open sky in the mountains. He had already seen a doe with her fawn grazing on the nearby hillside. It was here that Johnny liked to go to clear his head. As he swallowed a sip of the hot, bitter coffee he felt a few of the grounds go down with it. _Good old camp coffee._

The solitude of the mountains was a comfort to John. He was used to the ways of nature. John had grown up on the reservation, but his grandfather had taught him much about the land around him… how to respect and cherish it. It was like he was one with the Earth. Although he too had a difficult time dealing with the loss of the young girl, Johnny could almost feel at peace here. The pinks and yellows of the sunrise washed over the trees and shrubs and everything around in a calming sea of warm, muted color. The birds had been chirping and singing for some time now and small animals were darting about here and there, already productive and busy gathering food for themselves.

"_Rule number one: Never get hung up on a patient." _Johnny could hear the words as clearly as if Roy had been standing next to him saying them out loud. "_I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you." _ The words of Captain Stanley were almost as vivid.

Johnny replayed the scene in his mind. No matter how hard he tried, he could not think of one thing he or Roy or anyone else responding could have done any differently that would have changed the final outcome. They had responded to the very best of their abilities and given all they had. They hadn't hesitated. They hadn't made any mistakes. They had done everything they were trained to do.

_I wonder if the kids' parents know yet. _Johnny didn't have any children of his own, but he tried to imagine how the parents would feel. What would they do to get through it? "_What if it was __my__ little girl?" _The bond between Johnny and Roy was so strong it was as though he could _feel_ his best friend's thoughts… and his pain.

"Man, I gotta get off this mountain and make sure Roy is okay," Johnny said aloud to no one. Roy's little Katie was about the same age. She was about the same size and build, and even looked a lot like her. Long, honey blonde hair just past her shoulders… sparkling green eyes. Maybe the other little girl's eyes were blue. It didn't matter. Johnny knew that Roy was surely playing the scene over in his head too, but instead of that little girl's face, his partner would be seeing Katie.

Abruptly, Johnny stood up and threw the remaining contents of his cup into the small campfire. He walked over to his Rover and took out a large plastic water jug and a small shovel. He brought them back over to the fire, setting the water jug onto the ground. Using the shovel he broke up the flames and scattered the fire's fuel. He scooped dirt and poured it over the coals and burning sticks. Several times he repeated this and intermittently sprinkled water over the whole thing until he was sure it was completely out. When he was through he rinsed the shovel off before putting it and the water away.

As soon as his sleeping bag and a few other items he had brought were packed into the Rover, Johnny got in and drove back down the mountain. The ride was a bit jolting due to the fact that he was driving on very primitive roads…if you could even _call_ them roads. They were more like abandoned logging grades from decades past. By the time John came to the _real _road, he was ready for a smoother ride. In a little over two hours he would be back in the more urban Los Angeles County. He was eager to check on his friend.

About an hour out, Johnny stopped for gas and "a few nibbles" to take the edge off. It hadn't dawned on him until now, but he hadn't really eaten anything substantial since the few bites of supper he'd had at the firehouse. He'd eaten a couple of apples, but not much else. That was over 36 hours ago!

He stopped into a small grocery store nearby and bought some bread, a small jar of peanut butter, some plastic utensils and a quart of chocolate milk. On his way back to his car, he stopped at the pay phone. Holding the grocery sack in one hand, he rummaged through his pocket to find a dime for the phone. He dropped the dime in the slot and dialed the operator.

"Operator," said a nasally female voice. "How may I help you?"

"Ah, hi. I'd like to make a long distance call please."

"What's the number please?" Johnny gave her the number and waited for her to connect him. She instructed him to put more money in the slot of the phone and he waited for the "ring" on the other end of the line. On the third ring, JoAnn answered.

"DeSoto residence," she said.

"Hiya, JoAnn?" Johnny said.

"Johnny?"

"Yeah, Hi. Hey listen. Roy and I… We had a really rough shift the other day and I was just wondering… How is he doing?"

"Oh Johnny… I know he's hurting, but… He just hasn't been ready to talk about it yet. What on Earth happened? He's thinking about putting in for that promotion again. He wants to leave the paramedics." Before JoAnn even had time to think about how her words would affect Johnny she had already blurted them out.

There was an awkward silence on the other end of the line. Before Johnny had regained his composure enough to respond the nasally female voice came on the line instructing him to put more money into the coin slot or the call would be terminated. He reached into his pocket but realized he didn't have any more dimes.

"JoAnn," he said quickly. "I'm out of town, but I'm on my way. Don't tell Roy I'm coming. We'll talk…" The line went dead.

Johnny walked back to his Rover and fixed himself a couple of sandwiches for the road. He needed to get back. _Leave the paramedics!_ _What is he thinking? He's too good at what he does for that. _Besides, they were partners. _He can't __do__ it. _"Don't do anything stupid, Roy," he said out loud.

During the long drive Johnny tried to think of how he would approach Roy. If Roy didn't know he was coming then he also wouldn't know that Johnny knew what he was planning to do. If he could get Roy to talk about it he might start to realize himself the implications of what he was thinking about doing. Johnny realized this was a decision only Roy could make but he didn't want his friend making a big mistake.

The turmoil in his mind had him feeling quite tired when he finally pulled up to the home of the only family he had left. Roy and JoAnn and the kids were a great family and he was honored that they had allowed him to be a part of it. Chris and Katie were playing in the yard and squealed with glee when they realized their Uncle Johnny had come to visit. "Uncle Johnny's here, Uncle Johnny's here!" Katie shouted as she ran toward him. When she reached her beloved uncle she wrapped her arms tightly around his legs and held him in a 5-year-old's bear hug. Chris wrapped his arms around his uncle at the same time.

"Hi Uncle Johnny!" Chris exclaimed.

"Hey, how are my favorite niece and nephew today? Are you staying out of trouble?" The two kids giggled in response. "I sure hope so!"

Just then JoAnn stepped down off the porch to greet him. She hugged him warmly and said, "Johnny, thanks for coming." She squatted down to her children. "Go tell Daddy we have a visitor, please," she said to them. Katie and Chris ran off to find him.

"Come in, come in John," urged JoAnn, taking him by the arm. She led him into the living room and pointed to an easy chair. "Sit down. Can I get you some iced tea?"

Johnny sat as he was told. "Sure, yes please." He answered. "That sounds great."

JoAnn was only gone a minute and came back with three glasses of iced tea on a small tray. She set it on the dark wooden coffee table and then handed a glass to her husband's best friend.

"So Johnny," she started. "Please, tell me what happened the other day."

"It was bad, Jo." Johnny started. He looked around to make sure Roy and the kids were not near. If Roy hadn't told his wife about it yet, he didn't want him to over hear his best friend telling her. He also didn't want the kids to hear the terrible story. JoAnn's eyebrows raised and her eyes widened as she prepared to hear what was tearing her husband apart inside. Johnny told her as quickly and gently as he could and with as few details as possible. He didn't want to upset her too much and he wanted to finish before Roy came in to join them. When he had finished telling her, JoAnn's eyes were closed and her head was hanging down. She was trying to squeeze her eyes closed and keep the tears from rolling out and down her cheeks. She didn't want to cry in front of her husband. He needed her to be strong for him right now.

Roy walked in with the kids in tow and she forced a small smile. "Honey, look who's here." She tried to sound chipper. Roy wasn't fooled. He knew why Johnny was there and he realized that JoAnn must have had some idea of what was going on. He was grateful for her efforts not to show it though.

"Johnny?" he said extending his hand. They shook hands very briefly and Roy sat down. JoAnn reached over to pick up a glass of iced tea and handed it to him. "Oh, thank you Annie," he said and took a small sip. The cold liquid felt good going down.

JoAnn stood up and stepped closer to Roy, bent down and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll leave you two to talk a bit," she said. She held out her hands to her children and said, "Come on. Time to get some chores done."

The two kids took their mother's hands, but they were not particularly excited to go with her. "Can't we do our chores later?" asked Chris.

"Nope. I'll tell you what though," she bargained. "The first one done with all their chores, IF they do a good job, can pick out what's for dessert tonight. How does that sound?"

"I want brownies!" Katie announced.

"No, homemade ice cream!" said Chris.

"Ah, ah, we'll see," their mother said. "You can start by cleaning your rooms. Chop, chop." The siblings raced off toward their rooms and JoAnn headed for the washer and dryer to put them to good use. _"Lord, please… help Johnny talk some sense into him. Give Roy the encouragement he needs."_

Somehow, JoAnn managed to keep the kids occupied and away from their father and uncle for a little over an hour. They were getting very antsy now wanting to spend time with Uncle Johnny.

Johnny had tried to get Roy to see things clearly. He reminded Roy about Rule Number One. He told him how much it meant to him having Roy for a best friend and partner. He tried to work some of Roy's success stories into the conversation. He wasn't sure that any of it was helping, but he had to try. When the two kiddos came bounding in, it was a welcome break.

"Hey, who wants a horsey-back ride?" he asked. Both kiddos began shouting, "I do, I do," and waving their hands in the air in a "pick me" fashion.

"Go easy on your uncle," instructed Roy. "One at a time."

Winking at Chris Johnny reached out to Katie and said, "Ladies first!"

Seeing the children happily engaged with the two favorite men in her life, JoAnn retreated the kitchen to prepare supper. She decided that tonight they would have brownies _and_ homemade ice cream and set about preparing those as well.

Not surprisingly, the rest of the evening went well. Finally it was time to get the kids tucked in and Johnny was giving them hugs and kisses goodnight and goodbye. The kids were stalling, trying to stay up every last minute possible when JoAnn practically peeled them off of their uncle and led them off to bed. "You can have your baths in the morning," she said as she led them to their rooms. "Just this once, now off to bed. Daddy will be there in a couple of minutes to kiss you goodnight and tuck you in." She kissed her children goodnight and stepped out to say goodnight to Johnny before he left.

When the house had quieted down and Roy and JoAnn were in bed he held her close and said, "Thanks for everything today, Annie. I know it's been rough on you."

JoAnn gave him a squeeze and said, "I love you, Honey. What ever you decide, it will be okay."

He smiled at her in appreciation and not long after, both were peacefully asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

* Thanks for continuing to read my story. Please remember to leave me a review. :D When Times Are Tough

Chapter 5

Roy was the last of A shift to enter the locker room the next morning. Chet was just about to open his locker as Roy walked by. A strong push on Roy's shoulder blade, rushed him past the locker just before the "TWANG! SPLAT!" If he hadn't been pushed, he would have received half the water bomb himself. Glancing behind him he wasn't sure if Mike or Marco had done the pushing, but he was grateful. "Well, it seems the Phantom's been here already," he commented. Chet just stood there looking like a drowned rat with a glare on his face.

"Oh no, Roy. Rest assured. This was _not_ the work of the Phantom. When the Phantom next strikes, it will be more _original_ than that. You can count on it!"

Mike, Marco and Johnny snickered while Roy just shook his head with an "Oh brother" expression. "Kelly, what's the matter with you, twit? Next time, try taking your shower _before_ you get dressed!" Hank smiled at the rest of the team and walked toward his office without another word, enjoying the sound of snickers from the men ringing sweetly in his ears.

Although it _was_ a welcome change to see Chet on the receiving end of the usual firehouse pranks, Roy wasn't really enjoying it like everyone else was, Chet not included. He really hadn't wanted to come to work today at all. Usually he looked forward to his shifts. He loved what he did and it made him feel good to be doing it. He even felt a little guilty sometimes because he occasionally looked forward to work just to have some time away from his wife and kids. Right now though, he just wanted to be _with_ them… to know for sure that they were safe_. I have got to let go of this_, he thought. _Never get hung up on a patient. _ Trying his best not to think about the little girl he had lost 3 days earlier, he joined the line-up and focused on his captain for roll call and duty assignments.

Captain Stanley assigned duties for the day, gave announcements and dismissed his men. As they headed off to their respective assignments for the morning, Hank stopped his senior paramedic. "Roy, you got a minute, pal?" He asked.

"Sure Cap," he said and turned to his partner. "Watch out for the Phantom. I'll be there when I can."

"Funny," said John as he turned back toward the squad. "I guess I'll get started without you."

"You're all heart," Roy answered as he entered the captain's office.

"Have a seat, Roy," Hank said, gesturing to a nearby chair. Roy sat in the chair across from the desk and looked expectantly at his boss.

"What's up, Cap?" he asked in a low voice.

"I was gonna ask _you_ that," he answered. "How are you feeling?"

"Me? I'm fine, Cap. A little tired maybe, that's all."

"You been sleeping all right?" inquired Hank. He was very concerned about how Roy was reacting to the loss of his patient a few days earlier. Usually he'd be a little down, but Roy was pretty good about bouncing back. He was a professional and, as Roy occasionally said himself, he had thick skin built right into his uniform. A few days after a particularly bad day, he usually didn't look like he did right now.

"Oh, no Cap. It's nothing like that. I'm sleeping just fine. Just one of those mornings, I guess. I'll perk up after I've had some coffee."

"If you say so, Roy. I just… Well, I know you've had a lot on your mind and I want you to know I'm available if you want to talk about it, or there are other options available you know."

Roy nodded in appreciation. "I know Cap."

"We need you with us Roy. But, if you're going to be here, we need you at 100 percent, not second guessing yourself and kicking yourself when things don't go the way they ought to." Hank knew those would be hard words for Roy to swallow, but they needed to be said. He had to know Roy was ready to return to life and death situations with the confidence to act without hesitation.

"Yeah, Cap, I know." Roy tried to reassure.

"So… is there anything you want to talk about?"

"No. I'm fine. Really. Thanks Cap. " Roy wasn't sounding very convincing to Hank, but Hank decided not to take further action… yet. He gestured toward the door with his head. Roy took the cue and joined his partner at the squad.

"Everything okay, Pally?" John inquired.

"Fine Junior." Roy faked a sort of smile when he said it. John wasn't any more convinced than the captain had been. Roy changed the subject.

"You must have come in pretty early to set Chet up."

"What do you mean?" Johnny asked.

"The water bomb. You must have come in early to set that up."

"Now Roy," protested Johnny in one of his matter-of-fact tones. "I _didn't_ do that. I had nothing to do with it. Nope. Not me"

_Interesting,_ thought Roy, raising one eyebrow. _I wonder if Chet knows that._

Johnny no sooner finished the daily EKG calibration when the tones came in. "Squad 51 woman reports child stuck in freezer…"

_Not another child, _thought Roy as Johnny wrote down the address that followed. "Time out 08:14." His partner radioed acknowledgement. "Squad 51 KMG-365." Johnny handed the address to Roy as he spun around to hustle over to the other side of the squad. Roy looked at the address as he slid into the driver's seat then he handed the address back to his partner, grabbed his helmet and pulled out of the station, sirens blaring.

As they pulled up to the address, they saw a boy about 12-years-old waving frantically for them to stop. The boy was yelling before they even got out. "Hey, hurry up. It's my brother. He's stuck!"

"Now calm down, we're gonna take a look now," reassured the tall, skinny paramedic as he grabbed equipment to take with him. What's your name, son?"

"Jerry," said the boy without wanting to. He didn't want the paramedics to waste one second in getting to his little brother. He was worried sick about him.

"Why don't we follow you," Johnny suggested. ." It'll be faster you can show us where he is."

"Okay, this way. Hurry! My mom's awfully upset. It's all my fault." The boy was still shouting. He was nearly at panic stage.

As the boy led the rescuers to the kitchen Roy reached out and put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "It's okay. We're here now. It will be all right."

Entering the kitchen the two partners noticed first the freezer door open and a pair of small bare feet showing under the door. Next to the small feet was a larger pair, wearing high-heeled shoes. A woman's voice was saying, "How many times have I told you? When your brother tells you to do something weird, _don't do it!"_

"Excuse me, Ma'am. What have we got here?" asked Roy as he peered around to the other side of the freezer door. What he saw was a little blond boy about 7-years-old wearing a striped t-shirt and shorts with his head up to a shelf in the freezer. His tongue was stuck to a metal shelf.

"It's my Jimmy!" The woman cried. "He's stuck. His brother told him to lick the shelf and, well, he looks up to his brother. He'd do anything his brother told him." She shot a glare at her older son that even Johnny looked afraid of.

"Try not to worry Ma'am. We'll have him outta there in a shake. Can you get me a glass of water, please? …Just a little warm."

"Wha ah ya oinna oo?" a panicked little voice said.

"Well Jimmy…" started the coppery haired paramedic. "My name is Roy. I'm a fireman and I'm gonna help you get your tongue unstuck. Now just relax, it won't hurt. You see, I'm just gonna take this glass of water and pour some on and around your tongue where it is stuck. Now, I'm gonna have to use my fingers at the same time to kind of push and pull on your tongue a bit and it should come right off in just a second, okay?"

"O-ay," came a timid response.

"Okay now, you're gonna feel my fingers on your tongue. Don't bite me now," said Roy as he gently started to push on the edges of the young boy's tongue where it was stuck to the shelf. At the same time he began slowly pouring water over the tip. In very short order the boy was free.

"There now, that wasn't so bad now, was it?" Johnny had squatted down to take a look at the boy while Roy stepped away to wash his hands. The wide-eyed 7-year-old looked at him hard in the face.

"Well it wasn't YOUR tongue stuck there!" he answered.

Johnny cocked his head slightly and said, "I see your point."

Roy squatted down next to Jimmy. "Now you're not hurt anywhere, are you? Does your tongue feel okay?"

"I guess I'm okay," he said. "But boy am I gonna get my brother this time!" He shook his fist at his older brother while he said it.

"Never you mind that," said his mother. "He can just wait 'till his father gets home. You'll wish you were never born, young man!" She admonished, shaking a finger in the older boy's face.

"Pardon me, Ma'am," interrupted Roy. "It looks like he's going to be fine. Neither my partner nor saw any swelling or other signs of injury to his tongue. If it bothers him, you may want to have your family doctor check him out, but I think he'll be just fine." Looking at Jimmy he added, "It would be a good idea not to lick any more frozen metal and to be careful around your brother. If he tells you to do something that sounds kind of weird, you might not want to do it." He winked at the boy.

"Yes, _sir_!" said Jimmy. "I won't _ever_ do anything HE tells me to do again." Roy tousled the boy's hair then bent down to pick up the bandaging box he had brought in. "Ma'am" he said, nodding at the woman and starting back toward the door to leave.

"Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm sorry to have bothered you guys. It's just, sometimes they're a real handful, you know?"

"Yes, Ma'am

"Kids!" exclaimed John, glancing at his partner as they loaded their things back onto the squad.

"I know," quipped Roy. "I have two of my own, remember?"

"Good job back there," Johnny complimented his partner, to break the silence more than anything. Roy's head sure didn't seem to be in the present.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Roy.

"The way you handled that kid, Jimmy. He was really scared, Roy."

"I did the same thing you would have. What's it to you?"

_Whoa! Roy was touchy over a compliment? _His partner truly was concerned. "I'm just saying you did a good job calming the boy… and his mother down," Johnny tried to explain.

"It wasn't that hard." Roy was exasperated.

"Fine." Johnny said, "I can take a hint. "You're upset. You're still not over it from our last shift. I'm tellin' you Roy. You have got to let it go. You have to follow Rule Number One or this job will kill you."

"I don't want to talk about it, Johnny!" Roy barked at his partner.

"Fine. Fine. We won't talk about it. That's just fine!"

"How are the supplies?" Roy asked his partner because he had been in the cap's office when Johnny had checked the squad.

"Actually, we could _use_ a run to Rampart." Johnny answered.

"Right." The two friends didn't say another word before they reached the hospital.

As the paramedics approached the base station, Johnny looked up and saw Sharon talking to Dixie. _Oh MAN. Sharon!! _After weeks of trying to convince her to let him take her out, he forgot all about their date and now he had to face her. Sharon glanced up at the men and as soon as she and Johnny made eye contact, she broke it and turned her head away. She turned toward Dixie and said, "I had better get back in to check on Ms. Wilson." Then she walked away without a word to Johnny.

"Roy," greeted Dixie warmly with a smile. Then with no warmth at all, "Johnny."

"Good mornin' Dix. Ah, we need a few supplies and then we'll be out of your hair," Roy said to her.

"Nonsense, Roy. My favorite paramedic is _never_ in my hair," she answered. She threw sort of an evil smile, or perhaps it was a glare, Johnny's way and turned her attention back to Roy. Johnny didn't miss the fact that she said "paramedic," singular and not plural.

Johnny looked at his partner. "Ah Roy, you got this? There's something I need to do."

Roy thrust the radio at him. "Take this with you. And make it quick." Johnny grabbed the radio and jogged down the corridor to treatment room one to where Sharon had just made a hasty retreat to from the base station. Johnny scratched behind his right ear and let out a loud sigh. He turned his back to the door to the treatment room and rubbed his right eye. He'd just have to wait for her to come out. _Man. I'm such a jerk!_

As Roy and Dixie looked at the list of supplies that Johnny had written down and began gathering them, Roy asked his friend, "What was that all about? If looks could kill I'd be looking for a new partner."

"Hmmph!" Dixie answered. "It seems our mutual acquaintance, Romeo there, stood up one of my favorite nurses yesterday. And she was pretty unhappy about it. So am I!"

_Johnny was with me yesterday, _Roy thought. "Sharon?"

"Yeah. She wouldn't go out with him because he chases ALL the nurses and when she finally gave in, he stood her up. Problem is, Roy… she really likes him. You should have seen her dancing around here after they made their date. She was on cloud nine. Now she's been uncharacteristically quiet around here."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to Dix," Roy tried to explain. "He has had a lot going on. We both took that loss pretty hard the other day…"

"Speaking of that, Roy," interrupted Dixie. "How are you doing? You seemed to take that one especially hard."

"She looked so much like my daughter." It came out almost choked. He looked down at his shoes. "Between you and me, I'm having a hard time shaking it off."

"I'll bet." Answered the nurse, sympathetically. "Are you in a hurry?"

"Not really."

"Good. I'll buy you a cup of coffee." Dixie took Roy by the arm and led him to the lounge.

Over coffee Dixie coaxed Roy into talking about the incident a little. She hoped that getting him talking about it would help him to clear his mind a bit so he could move on. By the end of their conversation, she didn't know if it had helped him or not, but it did give her a chance to assess how he was doing. As much as she didn't want to say so, she felt he could really benefit from some professional counseling. After a short pause in the conversation Roy said, "Well, we had better head back to the station. Thanks for the coffee Dix. And thanks for listening."

"Any time, Roy. You know that," she answered as the two stood up. "I'll wash your cup. See you later." Roy winked at her and went to find his partner.

When Sharon came out of treatment room one she knew he would be waiting for her. She didn't know what to say to him. "Sharon…" started Johnny. "Please, wait. I'm sorry. Let me explain…"

Johnny was all but tripping on his words.

"I'm working." Sharon stated it matter-of-factly. She started to walk away.

John reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "Sharon, I mean it. I'm sorry. Please, give me another chance. I promise I won't goof it up."

Sharon wanted to be mad at him but seeing those big brown eyes pleading at her she couldn't help but soften. He looked like a giant puppy with his tail between his legs. "Oh…. Okay." She gave in. "But I swear, Johnny Gage, if you do…"

Johnny flashed her the famous crooked smile. "I' won't, I promise. I'll call you from the station later tonight."

"You'd better, Johnny."

Just then Roy approached his partner. "You about ready?"

"I am now," said Johnny, grinning.

On the way back to the station Roy said to his partner. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" asked Johnny.

"Sorry I was barking at you earlier. You were right. I think I might be in trouble, Johnny. I cannot stop thinking about the little girl. Only it isn't her. It's Katie."


	6. Chapter 6

*Thanks for reading this. Please remember to leave me a review. Your comments are very much appreciated. -Hotflash

**When Times Are Tough**

Chapter Six

When Roy pulled the squad into the station it was around 10:00. Captain Stanley was on the phone in the day room when his paramedics walked in looking for a cup of coffee.

"No kidding?" Hank said into the phone. "Well… Yes sir… I understand. But I do have some reservations… I understand. Yes sir, I will let them know. Thank you." Hank Stanley hung up and heaved a big heavy sigh, a frown upon his face.

"Cap?" John inquired, seeing his captain looking very concerned.

"Gage, DeSoto, I'd like to see you in my office, please."

"Right Cap," the reply came in stereo. Both men wondered silently what they had done wrong. As the three men filed into the office, Hank gestured to two chairs. He stopped to shut the door then pulled the chair out from behind his desk and sat down. Roy spoke first.

"Cap, did we do something wrong?" he asked.

"Wrong?" Hank answered, surprised Roy would even think so. "Good Lord, no. But there is something you should both know."

"What is it, Cap?" John said.

"Well, ya see fellas, uh… Well, I know that last shift was really rough on you both…" Roy was biting his lower lip, anxious at what his captain was trying to get at.

"Yeah…" said John trying to urge it out of him.

"Well, it seems that the parents of the girl and her brother are on their way here to meet the men who tried to help. The chief said we are to answer all of their questions. They are on their way here now and all calls for you two are being routed to other squads."

"But Cap…" started the younger paramedic. "This is _not_ a good idea. It just isn't…"

"Now Gage, calm down pal," Hank tried to settle his youngest man. "The chaplain is on his way here too and should be here any minute. He will be with you the entire time and will assist in any way he can. The meeting will take place in my office."

John turned and faced the window. He heaved a big sigh, but didn't say another word.

"Thanks for the heads up, Cap," said Roy. Neither man was happy about the meeting, but both would be professionals and they all knew it.

The chaplain arrived first and sat down with the paramedics and Hank in the office to offer a bit of advice before the parents arrived.

"When they come, they will obviously be anxious and probably have a lot of questions. Part of the grieving process is anger and they may express that to you, but you can't take it personally. Keep a calm demeanor, low voice and be as forthright as you can. All they want is to know what happened and to know that their children didn't suffer. When this meeting is over, if either of you need to talk, I'll be here for you. Any questions?"

"No, let's just get this over with." Roy answered.

It wasn't long before a petite, brunette with her long hair pulled back and a tall blond gentleman with a dark tan showed up at the station looking tired and old, despite only being in their early forties at most. The gentleman introduced himself and his wife. "Hello, I'm Adam Lewis and this is my wife, Amy. We spoke to the chief about meeting the paramedics that were at the scene of the accident that…" he had a hard time finishing his sentence.

"Please, come in." Captain Stanley invited them into his office. "I'm Captain Stanley. This is Roy DeSoto and John Gage, the paramedics who were on the scene, and this here is Jerry Arnold, the department Chaplain. Please, sit down."

Roy and John both shook hands with Mr. Lewis and his wife. "I'm very sorry we couldn't do more for your children," Roy started.

Mrs. Lewis put her head down as tears started to roll down her cheeks. Jerry offered her a tissue, which she took, gratefully. After she had regained her composure she said, "Please, tell us exactly what happened. Did our children suffer?"

"No," Roy said firmly but softly. "When we arrived, your son was already gone. It was instantaneous for him. There was no time for him to feel it and I don't believe he even saw it coming."

"Why not?" asked Mr. Lewis.

"When we arrived at the scene, there was very loud music coming from the car. There were no skid marks at the incident. We believe your son was distracted by adjusting the radio and didn't realize that the truck in front of him had come to a stop." It was Johnny who had answered seeing what a difficult time Roy was already having in speaking.

"And our daughter, Kara?" Mrs. Lewis asked.

"She was unconscious." Roy answered. "She wasn't feeling the pain." He put his hand to his mouth and lowered his head. "Excuse me," he said and took a deep, slow breath. Both parents noticed the tears Roy tried to hide.

As lost in their own grief as they were, they felt grateful that their children had not suffered and were thankful for the men that had tried to help. "This must be very hard on you both, too."

"Yes, Ma'am," Roy almost choked.

"Do you have children?" asked Mrs. Lewis. John shook his head.

"Yes," said Roy. "I have a daughter, Kara's age, and a son. I am so sorry we couldn't do more. I wish we could have." John was nodding in agreement.

"Well, I don't know what else we can say," said Mr. Lewis. I guess we just needed to meet you and we wanted to thank you for trying to help. Will you be attending the services?"

"Of course," John said quickly. He didn't want to and he knew Roy didn't either, but he thought it might be good for his partner and he knew it would mean a lot to Mr. And Mrs. Lewis.

"Thank you." Mrs. Lewis stood up, tears streaming freely down her face again. She walked over to John and hugged him and then to Roy. She hugged Roy and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you for all you tried to do. Take good care of your babies."

Mr. Lewis stood and shook hands with each of the men before putting his arm around his wife to walk her out. The chaplain walked out with them to offer support to the grieving parents. As soon as they stepped out of the office, Roy excused himself hastily and disappeared. He wanted to be alone and he did not want to talk about his feelings. He planned to just stay out of site until he was sure the chaplain was gone.

It was about 20 minutes later when Hank went looking for Roy and found him sitting in the squad. He knocked on the window then opened the door. "Roy, you okay pal?"

"No Cap. I'm not okay. I can't do this any more." He said, angrily. "I can't look at another mother or father and tell them their child has died."

Hank put his arm around the paramedic and pulled Roy's head to his shoulder. "It's alright, pal. It is okay to grieve. Be angry. Cry. Don't hold it in."

Roy did cry. Not just tears but sobs. Hank's "permission" to grieve opened a floodgate and he just let loose. Hank just held his friend, patting his shoulder and trying to comfort him the best he could. When Roy had calmed down Hank released him. He looked him in the eye and spoke softly.

"Roy, I want you to go home. I want you to take some time off and spend it with your family. Give yourself some time to grieve properly, get your head together and let me know how you are doing. You can have all the time you need to get past this. The department will provide you with counseling and I want you to follow up on that. I know this hit very close to home for you and no one can blame you for how you feel. There is no shame in this. I've already called in a sub for you, do you understand?"

Roy nodded silently. He felt too beat down to argue and he didn't really want to be there anyway. What if he lost another child? He didn't think he could deal with it. _I can't do this anymore._

"Go wash your face and gather your things. You okay to drive home or should I call JoAnn?" Hank said to Roy.

"I can drive." Roy answered. "Thanks, Cap. I'll call you."

"Be sure you do." He answered. "Take care."

Dwyer was just pulling into the station lot when Roy drove out.

JoAnn was vacuuming when Roy came in and she startled when she saw him. "Roy!" she practically shrieked. Then she saw how terrible he looked. She shut the vacuum off and immediately rushed over to embrace him.

He started to cry again and sobbed, "Ann, I can't do it. I just can't do it anymore."

"It's okay, Roy. You don't have to. You don't have to if you don't want to. It's okay," she soothed.

Roy felt weak and embarrassed to have fallen apart at work and now at home. He was supposed to be strong. He wasn't supposed to let things get to him like this. Sensing the frustration he felt with himself JoAnn said, "Roy, it is okay to feel this way. You're human. Stop beating yourself up and we'll deal with this together." She squeezed him tighter. When she felt him finally start to relax, she led him to the bedroom, helped him undress down to his shorts and tucked him into bed.

"Try to rest, sweetheart," she said. She lay next to him and held him until he finally drifted off to sleep. She looked at her watch. It would be time to pick Katie up soon. JoAnn extricated herself from the bed carefully, so as not to wake him. She wrote Roy a note and put it on the bedside table in case he awoke while she was gone, and said another silent prayer. "Lord, please give Roy the strength he needs to get through this. Help me to be strong for both of us until he can deal with this. Keep him close to you and give him comfort."

4


	7. Chapter 7

**When Times Are Tough**

**Chapter 7**

John was grateful for the busy day at the station. They had gone out on 8 calls after Roy had left, all before supper time. He was also grateful that his temporary partner for the day was Dwyer. Dwyer had an easy way about him and, he let John drive!

As the men were returning from their last call, they were joking about past firehouse pranks they had been discussing during the ride home. Chet Kelly was waiting in the bay when the squad came to a stop and the paramedics stepped out.

"Hey guys, what's so funny?" he asked.

"Your mustache," answered Dwyer.

Chet reached up and stroked his mustache with his right thumb and pointer finger. "What do you mean?" he asked sounding a bit whiny and displaying a slight frown.

"It's crooked, Chester," answered Johnny. "Anybody can see that."

"It is not!" replied Chet, indignantly, following Dwyer and Gage into the dayroom.

"Yes, Chet, it _is_ crooked. Your mustache is fuller and longer on the right, just a smidge. Albeit a _little_ smidge; but it is _still_ noticeable, just the same. Don't you agree Mike?" Johnny invited the engineer into the bit.

"Let me see," replied Mike. "Look this way, Chet."

Chet looked Mike's direction and made sort of a cheesy smile. Mike played it up. He walked over to Chet, grasping the fireman's chin in his large right hand and turning his head first one way then the other. "Oh yeah," he agreed. "It is definitely crooked. And did you see the gray starting to show? He has three, maybe four gray hairs in it!"

"Mike," Captain Stanley interjected. "you _could_ have kept _that_ part to yourself. You're gonna give the man a complex." Turning to Chet he said, "Don't worry pal, it happens to all of us sooner or later. It doesn't look so bad. After supper you can go in and trim it right up."

"How's that gonna help, Cap? I'll still have the gray hairs." Chet whined.

"Let me get a closer look, amigo," said Marco, walking closer. He leaned his head very close to Chet's upper lip. Then without warning, he reached out and plucked a couple of hairs out of Chet's mustache in one fluid motion.

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!" hollered Chet, with his eyes bulging out of his face. "What'd you have to go and do _that_ for?!" He said gruffly.

"Well, amigo. It was a tough job, but _somebody_ had to do it."

The rest of 51's was laughing so hard they were almost crying. Chet was so indignant and the look on his face was absolutely priceless. All of the men were happy to see that the joke was on Chet. Usually he was the one dishing it out. It was great when the tables were turned.

Hank slapped Marco on the back for the perfect ending to a great gag and said, "All right, now that the comic relief has been administered, let's sit down to some serious chow. I don't know about all of you, but I for one am hungry. I made up a big batch of clam chowder, fried oysters, cole slaw and fresh biscuits. Eat up men!"

Forgetting his hurt pride, Chet quickly grabbed plates and bowls out of the cupboard and set them around the table with Johnny's help. Dwyer got the glasses and the milk while Marco got the eating utensils and before long the gang was almost quiet, but for the sounds of utensils and swallowing.

After supper, the usual card game ensued. To Chet's dismay, he lost. _Lost? Impossible! I never lose, that's Johnny's job!_ "Well how did _that_ happen?" he demanded out loud.

"Guess it just isn't your day, Chester B!" John laughed, as he headed to the dorm to make a call and left Chet to clean up the kitchen.

"Walters' residence, hello" said the voice that answered the phone on the third ring.

"Hi, Sharon? Johnny. Johnny _Gage_," identified the caller, as though Sharon might be expecting a call from some other Johnny.

"Hi Johnny," Sharon greeted, brightly. "How are you?"

"Me? Oh, fine, fine…" answered Johnny. "I was just calling to see _you_ were doing. How was _your_ day?"

"About the same as yours. I think you brought us half of Los Angeles today." She answered.

John chuckled. "Yeah, it _was_ pretty busy," he agreed.

"How's Roy? Is he doing alright or have you talked to him?"

"I haven't called him yet. I thought maybe I would wait until tomorrow."

"Oh, okay. Well, tell him he's in my prayers," said Sharon.

Yeah, yeah. I'll do that, " said Johnny thoughtfully. "Listen, Sharon… Are you working tomorrow?"

"Yes, I work swing shift tomorrow."

"Oh, you do, huh? Well… maybe… maybe I could take you to breakfast then. I get off here at 8. Would you be interested?"

"Oh, I might be persuaded." Sharon answered sweetly.

"Great! Great… I'll pick you up about, say, 8:30 then?"

"It's a date!" Sharon stated.

"Okay then. I'll see you tomorrow." Johnny promised, excitedly.

"See ya, Johnny. Take care… and be careful out there!" she said, and then Sharon hung up the phone leaving Johnny sitting at the desk in the dorm with his crooked smile.

It was nearly 3:30 when Roy awoke from a deep sleep. When he awoke, he didn't remember where he was. He opened his eyes and waited for the room to come into focus. Gradually it did and he realized he was in his own bed. Then he realized there was a slight sound of snoring in his left ear and he looked to see his daughter curled up next to him, on top of the covers and sound asleep. Smiling, he closed his eyes again and let out a gentle sigh. After a minute he reached over with his right arm and pulled Katie closer to hug her. She opened her eyes and smiled back at him.

"Hi Daddy. You were sleeping so I was very quiet," she said.

"Looks like you fell asleep too, Princess." He said back to her.

Katie giggled. "Are you done sleeping now?" she asked. "Cause I think a story would be nice."

"I think we can manage that, my love," he replied. "What story did you want to hear?"

"I wanna hear a hero story, Daddy. Tell me about you and Uncle Johnny when you are heroes."

Roy didn't feel like a hero lately. He didn't know what to say and he thought about it quietly. After a short while he heard Katie's voice again.

"Daddy, you aren't going back to sleep again are you? I wanna hear a hero story. Please……?" she said.

Roy let out a big sigh and said, "One hero story, coming right up." He didn't know what story he was going to tell, but he knew it better be a good one.


	8. Chapter 8

**When Times Are Tough**

**Chapter 8**

"Morning, Johnny. How've you been?"

The voice was familiar, but it wasn't Roy. It was a younger voice. John looked up as he finished buttoning his uniform. "Billy, how the heck are you?" he said, genuinely surprised and happy to see his former trainee.

"Oh, great, great Johnny. How about you?" Billy responded.

"Man, I don't know. It's been a few weeks now since Roy took leave and things have not been the same around 51's without him. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to think he really isn't coming back."

"Well, what's _he_ say?" asked Billy.

"He _say's_ he's _not_, but we all just keep thinking that the counseling will start to help and he'll realize how much he loves what he does. He's usually pretty cool headed about things, especially once he's had time to think about it." Johnny answered.

"That's the problem, John," Mike chimed in. "He's not letting himself think about it. He hasn't even come to visit the station or even clean out his locker."

"Yeah, I see what you mean." Johnny thought about it.

Mike was right. Roy was going through counseling, but he was just going through the motions. He was avoiding all fire department activities and friends, making excuses when the men would call and so forth. Maybe he thought if he could avoid it all he could forget about it. Even at the services for the two Lewis kids, Roy had refused to let Johnny pick him up. He went with JoAnn and came in at the last minute, then was the first to leave.

"Ya know Mike, I think…."

First call of the day came before roll call. Billy and John ran to the squad and were out of there fast, leaving Mike to reflect on the situation in his own mind. _Roy can't leave the department. He's too much a part of it. Somebody's just going to have to talk some sense into him._

After roll call, minus two paramedics, the men got started on their daily assignments. Marco noticed that Mike was even quieter than usual when the two were hanging hoses. "Anything the matter, amigo?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah, we're missing a man." Mike answered.

"Si, amigo. You've got that right." Marco agreed. "What are we going to do about it?"

"Whatever it is, we better do it soon."

When the daily duty assignments were finished, most of 51's were sitting around in the day room, drinking coffee and reading the newspaper or magazines. Mike on the other hand, slipped out into the dorm room to make a private call.

"DeSoto residence," said a cheerful voice on the other end of the line.

"Mrs. DeSoto, Mike Stoker. I'm really glad it was _yo_u that answered the phone and not Roy. Are you in a place where we can talk?"

"Yes, Roy's out picking Katie up. Is something wrong?"

"Yes, Ma'am. Something _is_ wrong. We're missing the best paramedic in the department We need him here. How is he doing?"

"Well Mike, physically he's fine. He pretends he is happy to be home and that he is alright, but he's going stir crazy here. He's driving _me _crazy too. He has fixed everything in the house weather it needed it or not, _twice!"_

"What does his therapist say?" asked Mike. "If you don't mind my asking."

"He's been seeing Dr. Simons. The doctor says that Roy is continuing to blame himself for the loss of that little girl. He says that it is really a deeper issue of worrying about losing his own loved ones. Until he can be convinced that he is not in control of or capable of saving everyone's lives, that he can only do his best and that his best is better than not doing anything, nothing anyone says or does is going to make any difference."

"That's rough." Mike said, compassionately. "Maybe we just need to get him to see what good he has done already."

"What do you mean?" asked JoAnn.

"Well, I know sometimes the victims come and thank the guys or send letters or cookies and stuff. It really means a lot when someone says thank you. Maybe if we found a way to make him see how much he is appreciated and how important he is to the department… to the community, maybe then he'd give it another shot."

"Well, I guess anything is worth a try." JoAnn agreed. "How do we want to do this?"

"Just so happens, I have a plan," said Mike

A few days later Roy and JoAnn were sitting out on the front porch of their home, enjoying tall glasses of iced tea. The kids were running through the sprinkler, trying to beat the heat. Roy was lost in thought and seemed a million miles away to JoAnn. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even notice his best friend come rolling up in his rover. Johnny hopped out, carrying one large grocery sack and a smaller bag. He walked up to the porch to greet his friend. JoAnn tapped Roy on the arm to bring him back to the present.

"Johnny, when did you get here?" asked Roy, a bit startled.

"Uh, just now, didn't you see me drive up?" he answered.

"I guess my mind was somewhere else," admitted Roy.

"Nothing new," quipped Johnny.

Roy smiled an "oh brother" kind of smile and asked, "So what brings you here? And what's in the bags?"

"Uncle Johnny, Uncle Johnny!!" Two wet little kids squealed as they ran over to the porch and wrapped themselves around his legs.

JoAnn came to the rescue, sort of. She reached over and took the bags from Johnny and left him to fend for himself with his niece and nephew.

Johnny squatted down and hugged both kids, getting thoroughly wet in the process. "Hey you two," he said. "You're getting me all wet!"

The kids laughed thinking that it was very funny. Roy shooed them back to the sprinkler and invited his friend to sit down. He realized suddenly, that he missed his friends.

Johnny accepted the invitation to sit and the two began with small talk. Within just a few minutes, another vehicle, a dune buggy, rolled in. Mike got out and approached, also carrying two sacks.

"Hey Roy, Johnny."

"Mike, good to see you." Roy said, standing up and extending his hand to his friend. _What's going on?_

JoAnn stepped back onto the porch from inside and took the bags from Mike. She took them in the house while Mike pulled another chair closer to Roy and John and sat down.

"It's good to see you too, Roy. It's been a while."

"Yeah, well, I've been kind of busy. A lot of work to be done around here, ya know." Roy made excuses. "What brings you here today?"

"Well, you see Roy, it's like this..." explained Mike. "You've been gone a few weeks around the station now and we have all been trying to figure out when you're coming back…"

"I'm not." Roy interrupted in a firm voice.

"Just hear me out, Roy." Mike wasn't giving in. "You see, we figure, you still think it is your fault that little girl didn't make it. But you know deep down that isn't true. And then you started thinking, what if it had been Katie…"

Roy's face turned stone-like and he clearly did not want to listen to his friend, but he softened a little when JoAnn stood behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Well, Roy, it _wasn't_ Katie. But if it had been, you couldn't have done anything more. You did your best. We don't get to choose who makes it and who doesn't, Roy, but we do get to choose if we are going to try or not."

"He's right, Roy." The voice was Hank Stanley's. He hadn't noticed him drive up either. "There are a lot of people out there in LA County who are alive in large part because you put that uniform on and chose to make a difference."

Before long, all of 51's A-shift was there trying to encourage Roy, along with some of his other friends, Deke, Dwyer, Dr. Brackett, Dixie, Dr. Early, Dr. Morton, Sharon, even Brice. Each friend had brought something to contribute to a barbecue for the evening and also a surprise.

After an afternoon of much encouragement and convincing, the big guns came out. The surprise that each had brought was presented to Roy. Each person had brought a sack of food for the barbecue, but the second sack each brought contained letters and pictures and even newspaper clippings of rescues from people that Roy had helped as a paramedic. The men took turns taking letters, pictures and articles out of the bags and reading them aloud and passing them around. With each one, Roy's spirits raised bit by bit.

These were some really good memories, he had to admit to himself. It did feel good to know that his friends cared this much about him to go to all this trouble. He did miss it… every bit of it. He missed the cajoling amongst the men at the station, he missed the action of the fires and rescue calls, he missed the contact with other people. He loved his family, but even he had to admit he was going stir crazy around the house.

With everyone sharing stories and laughing, Chris and Katie felt a little left out. Chris got an idea.

"Dad," he said. "Will you come to my class and show us some first aid stuff?" I know the teacher wouldn't mind. She likes it when we have visitors."

Roy smiled at his son. "I think I might be able to manage that, if Johnny will help me."

"All right!" said Chris excitedly.

Just then Katie walked up to her dad. "Here Daddy, remember this?" she said, handing him a lovely piece of artwork she had made for him. Roy laughed when he looked at it.

"Here, Johnny," he said. "I think you better look at this."

"Well what is it?" Johnny asked.

"It's a picture of you and Daddy!" said Katie. "And there's writing on it."

"Well, what's it say?" asked Hank "Read it out loud, John."

Johnny looked at the picture of the squad and two stick figures in blue shirts with helmets. Silently he read what Katie had written and a crooked smile took over his face.

"Well, it says… ah," Johnny was stalling because he knew he would get teased over this one.

"It says, 'Daddy, you're my hero and Uncle Johnny is my other her." He held the picture up as he read the caption.

The gang all had a good laugh over that one. Then Katie asked for another hero story and Roy convinced Johnny to tell it. All in all it was a great afternoon and evening and Roy felt much better when his friends had all finally gone home.

There was no doubt in Roy's mind now. He knew what he wanted to do and first thing tomorrow, he was going to make it official.

6


	9. Chapter 9

**When Times Are Tough**

**Chapter 9**

It was only six o'clock when Roy woke up the next morning. He hadn't worked in weeks but his body still told him to get up just as he would have if he had been on duty for the day. Lying there in the quietness he could hear the rhythmic sound of JoAnn's breathing. He rolled her direction to watch her. _I am a lucky man. _

Roy reached over and put his arm around his wife, pulling her close to him. She snuggled in, a hint of a smile coming across her face, but she did not fully wake up. The alarm clock would be going off soon and JoAnn would start her daily routine of waking the kids, preparing breakfast and getting the kids ready for school.

Roy admired his wife more than she could ever know. Unlike a lot women out there these days, JoAnn was not concerned with "women's lib" stuff. Not that she was against it or anything. She felt women deserved equal rights and that they should be accepted equally in the work place if that was where they wanted to be, but she liked being able to stay home with the kids. And if she had had a regular job, she wouldn't have gotten to spend so much time with Roy, given the crazy hours of firemen. She _chose_ to be home for her family.

He marveled at what a strong woman she was. He thought she was amazing. She gave everything of herself to be a wife and mother and never complained. Roy couldn't have asked for a better mother for their children. She encouraged their children and brought out the best in them. Although neither parent was above giving an occasional spanking, it was rare that they needed to. There was such a respect between all of them that a simple discussion generally brought about the desired change in behavior along with a reasonable portion of remorse on the offender's part. JoAnn had the patience of a saint. It was rare indeed that anything involving the children would frazzle her.

Even more amazing to Roy was how JoAnn handled being a firefighter's wife. He knew it was not easy on the wives, yet JoAnn always handled every crisis with patience and grace. She never panicked and she was always there to be strong for the wife, girlfriend or mother of any injured fireman, offering encouragement and support. She made it a point to take the new ones under her wing. And even these last several weeks, while Roy had been so beat down by the pressures of his job, while he made one of the hardest decisions of his life, she was there supporting him. She didn't try to make his mind up for him. She simply offered that what ever he decided, they would get through things together and make it work.

"JoAnn DeSoto, I love you," Roy whispered in his wife's ear. She pressed in tighter against his body as if to say, "I love you, too."

"Honey, I have to get up. I have important business to take care of today. The alarm is going to go off in just a few minutes."

"I know, I know," she said. "Let's just lay here a few more minutes. It feels good here in your arms."

"I was enjoying this morning so far myself," said Roy. "But just a few more minutes. It's a school day."

About five minutes later the alarm clock went off. JoAnn rolled away from Roy to reach over and turn it off. She put on a robe and started to head for the kitchen.

"Annie, why don't you take the first shower? I'll get the coffee going and start rousting the kids out of bed."

JoAnn smiled. "Okay, thanks honey. That sounds wonderful." She knew their little plan had worked last night. Roy was more relaxed and happy than he had been in a long time. For the most part, he only called her "Annie" when he was in an especially good mood. _I sure hope he has made the right decision, because he will have to live with it._

When JoAnn went into the kitchen, she found her children eating eggs and toast with glasses of orange juice. A large mug was next to the coffee pot waiting for her. Roy was just re-entering the kitchen from the laundry room. "Good morning, Beautiful," he said and winked at his wife.

She smiled back at him. "Thank you. That was a very nice start to my day."

"You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it. But now I've gotta hustle. I still need to shower and shave and get to the chief's office."

"Don't let me slow you down. Did you eat or do you need me to fix something while you get ready?"

"I ate, thanks." Roy headed to the shower, smiling happily to himself.

A short time later, Roy emerged from the master bedroom, freshly showered, shaved and looking quite handsome in a long sleeved, light blue dress shirt and tie, gray slacks and a matching sport coat.

"Daddy, you look handsome." Katie said.

"Thank you, Princess." Roy said. "You have good day at school." He hugged his little girl and kissed her on the forehead. He went to Chris and gave him a hug. "You too, Champ."

The kids bid their father goodbye. Mom's goodbye was a bit more intense.

Roy was already waiting when Chief Hauts arrived at his office. The secretary had already given him a cup of coffee and he was enjoying it while making small talk with her.

"DeSoto," Chief Hauts interrupted. "You're early."

"Yes, sir. Sorry. I don't mind waiting." Roy apologized.

"Nonsense!" Chief Hauts responded. "I like a man with a purpose."

"Thank you, sir." Roy said, humbly.

"Come in to my office, make yourself comfortable." Looking at his secretary, "Tracy, can you please bring me a cup of coffee and a warmer for Mr. DeSoto?"

"Certainly, Chief, one moment," she answered. A moment later she had come and gone, closing the door behind her.

"How have you been feeling, DeSoto?" the Chief asked.

"Fine, fine. I've been kind of taking it easy. Had a lot of time to think about things."

"Good, good. I'm glad to hear that. You know how important you are to the department, I hope."

"My friends made a point to show me." Roy answered.

"Good. Then you've made a decision?" Asked the Chief.

"Yes, sir, I have." He answered. "I know that there are certain "rules" in this job. One of the most important being what we call "rule number one."

"Ah, yes, 'Never get emotionally involved with a patient'," the Chief finished for Roy.

"Yeah, that's the one. The problem is, sometimes it is impossible not to make a connection. No matter how hard one can try, there are times that nothing can keep that connection from forming."

"Roy, I've been around a long time. You don't get to be Chief of the Department unless you've been around the block a few times," explained Chief Hauts. "You are right, sometimes there is no getting around it. Someone triggers a feeling or a memory and you can't help yourself. It's part of being human. It's called compassion and it's what makes you good at what you do."

Roy was biting his lower lip, listening closely to what the Chief had to say. He had come to the same conclusion himself, but the affirmation was comforting and appreciated.

Hauts continued. "The challenge is to deal with it and move on. That is why we have crisis counselors and our employee assistance program available. The Department is here to support you in any way possible."

"Yes, sir. Thank you." Roy said. "And it has helped me a great deal. When I lost that little girl all I could think about, all I could see as I replayed things in my mind was my own little girl. And I didn't save her. I admit that scared the hell out of me."

It was the Chief's turn to listen intently, a concerned and sympathetic look on his face.

Roy continued. "After counseling and lots of time to think about it, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer be a paramedic." Roy could see the disappointment and surprise on the face of his Chief. "But, I thought about putting in for a promotion to Engineer. I was up for that promotion a few years ago and I know I could pass the exam again."

"Well, DeSoto, we would hate to lose you as a paramedic, but I am sure you would make a fine engineer. You're a well-seasoned man with a level head. And the promotion would be well deserved."

"Thank you sir, but there's more."

"Okay, spit it out, DeSoto."

"Well, as I said, I thought I could no longer be a paramedic. But the truth is, my friends got together yesterday and did something really terrific. They made me remember why I became a paramedic in the first place. And the time they spent with me made me realize how much I miss them, miss the station and miss my job."

"So what do you want to do about it?"

"Well, sir, I brought some paperwork with me and I had hoped you would sign it and finalize things before I change my mind." Roy reached inside his coat pocket and pulled out a neat bundle of papers, unfolded it and laid it on the desk in front of the Chief.

The chief sort of frowned, adjusted his glasses then took a closer look at the paper work Roy had presented. He studied it carefully; making sure everything was in order. After what seemed like forever he looked up at Roy.

"Are you sure this is what you want to do?" he asked. "Once this is signed and submitted, it's a done deal."

"Yes, sir, yes I am sure." Roy answered with determination. "Without a doubt it is what I want… What I have to do."

"Okay then." Hauts signed the papers, folded them back together and handed them back to Roy. "You can leave them with Tracy or take them to HR directly, whichever you choose."

"Thank you, Chief. And thanks for taking the time to meet with me this morning."

"You're welcome. Good luck to you, Son."

Roy got up, shook hands with the Chief then walked out of the office. He asked Tracy where he should leave his coffee cup and she took it from him. Then he handed her the papers from his pocket. "Chief said you could process this for me," said Roy.

"Of course." She said. "Are you okay?" She couldn't quite read the man in front of her.

"Never better!" he answered, winking at her. Then he turned and walked out, feeling as if the weight of the world had been lifted off of his shoulders."


	10. Chapter 10

**When Times Are Tough**

**Chapter Ten**

Kelly was the first, besides his captain, to arrive at the station, bright and early as usual. The rest of A-shift wouldn't be there for nearly half an hour. This was pretty much a regular habit for Chet. It allowed him time to set up a surprise for his favorite pigeon and time for his daily constitution, in peace.

Chet let himself into the station and went to the lockers. He opened his and tossed his duffel inside. He looked over his right shoulder, then his left. _So far, so good. _Cautiously he tiptoed out into the bay peeking around apparatus for anyone lurking nearby. The coast was clear. Reaching into the pocket of his jeans he pulled out an envelope and carefully opened it, removing a piece of carbon paper he'd taken from a receipt book. From his other pocket he retrieved a small screwdriver. Checking over both shoulders one more time, he went to Gage's locker and set up his latest prank. He was just opening his locker to hide the evidence when Captain Stanley's voice startled him.

"Awful early, aren't you pal?" he asked.

"Aw, you know me, Cap. It's like I always say, 'better to be 10 minutes early than one minute late."

"Yeah, Kelly. You _always_ say that. Twit!" Captain Stanley shook his head and went back to his office.

"Man, that was close!" Kelly whispered. He changed into his uniform and spent a few minutes fussing over it to make sure everything looked perfect. He even fogged his badge with his breath and polished it carefully. Once he was sure everything was perfectly in place, he headed off to take care of business in the washroom.

As he dropped his drawers around his ankles he gave a little smirk thinking about the look that would be on his pigeon's face once he knew he had been had. Then he sat down. POP POP the sounds came loudly and rapidly.

"What the…. Oh MAN! Aw, that's just SICK!"

While Chet was trying to figure out what the two popping noises were he felt an odd sensation on the back of his legs and behind his knees. Upon further examination he realized he had been had, royally. He was covered in ketchup! Irritated he reached for the toilet paper to clean it up.

"Aw, CRAP!" he said, realizing the dispenser was empty. Then he thought how much worse that could have turned out. _All right, Chet, just calm down. What should I do? _He thought about his options. If he used his bare hands to clean up the ketchup as best he could, he'd get it all over his uniform when he was pulling up his pants. If he…. "Wait, what the?" Chet couldn't believe his luck. Looking up he noticed that balanced on the wall between the stall he was in and the next was a partial roll of toilet paper. _What's it doing up there? _ He was a bit puzzled by it but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Standing up slightly, he reached up and grabbed the roll with his fingertips. Suddenly there was a wet sensation in his face and down his shirtfront. A clacking sound was heard as something hit the floor. Looking down, Chet could see it was an empty pill bottle, a little smaller in diameter than the core of the toilet paper roll.

"Man, _somebody's_ going to _get_ it!" He said angrily.

Chet cleaned the ketchup off of his legs and finished his business. When he left the stall to wash his hands Johnny was walking into the washroom.

"Geez, Chet, did you eat that or did something crawl in there and die?!" Johnny said, making a face.

Chet started to wave a finger at Johnny. "Now hold it…."

"Aw man! You got it on you? Wash your hands Chester B. Kelly and don't you be waving that crap in my face!"

Chet turned about 10 shades of red as he realized he had gotten some ketchup on his hand. He tried to explain.

"Ketchup… it's ketchup. What do you think I am, Gage?"

"I don't even want to know. It's too scary to even think about." John answered as he turned and walked out.

When Chet walked back to the lockers, Mike, Marco and Johnny were almost in tears as Johnny retold what he had just witnessed.

Chet walked past all of them to get to his locker. "You guys go ahead and laugh. We'll see who's laughing at the end of the shift," he snorted.

"Roll call in three minutes, fellas," Captain Stanley said, once again present in the area. "Kelly, what the…? You're all wet! Clean yourself up, you're a mess!" he barked. Then he turned and walked back toward his office.

"Hey John, who's your partner today?" Marco asked, looking at his watch.

"I don't know. He should be here by now though." John looked a little confused.

"Maybe he's already in the dayroom having coffee."

Mike could be right. John hoped not though because that was one of Craig Brice's habits. He did NOT want to be partnered with Brice! _What am I ever going to do without you, Roy? _As he finished tucking his shirt he closed his locker and hustled over for roll call.

All the men were lined up awaiting assignments when John heard the sound of shoes on the floor behind him. "Great, it is Brice." John mumbled a little louder than he meant to.

"What's that Gage?" inquired the Captain.

"Huh? Oh, nothing Cap. Just a little indigestion or something." He knew it was a lame excuse but it was all he could come up with so quickly.

"Well, make sure you take something for that and get it under control," Hank admonished his young paramedic.

"Yes sir."

"Alright men, any questions?" he asked.

John's partner raised his hand. Captain Stanley raised his eyebrows and looked at the paramedic. "Yes, did you want to ask something?"

"Yeah, well, I just wanted to know, doesn't anyone want to welcome be back?"

Johnny's eyes opened wide and his famous crooked smile took over his whole face. "ROY!" he shouted, turning around to face his friend. There he stood right in front of him, in uniform, looking just like he'd never left."

The rest of the men all cheered and smiled when they realized their family was once again complete. Handshakes and back slaps were exchanged and everyone was kind of talking at once for a minute or two.

"Okay, men. Doesn't anybody work around here? Get moving. We'll be having a drill at ten hundred hours so be ready to start on time." Captain Stanley brought order back to the station.

He turned to Roy. "DeSoto, I'm glad you decided to come back. It just wasn't the same around here without you."

"Thanks, Cap." He said, humbly. "It's good to be back."

Johnny and Roy turned and walked toward the squad. Johnny waved his right hand in front of Roy to get his attention. "Now Roy…" he started.

"What have you got all over your fingers, Johnny?" Roy interrupted,

Johnny looked confused. "Huh?" He looked at his hand. There was something blue and inky smeared all over his fingers. "What on earth?" He examined his other hand. He didn't see anything there and went back to examining the right one. "I don't know what this is or how it got there."

"Here." Roy said, throwing Johnny a rag from out of his locker. "Clean yourself up before you smear it on your uniform, or worse."

John rubbed as much of the ink off of his hand as he could. "I'm gonna go wash my hands. I'll be right back," he said with a note of irritation in his voice. He tossed the rag back at Roy on his way by.

"Thanks," Roy replied, rolling his eyes. He turned to his locker and tossed the rag in. It landed on top of a couple of small packets of ketchup and a small round lid, the kind that screw onto prescription medication bottles.

THE END

* I hope you enjoyed my story. I enjoyed writing it. Please remember to leave me a review. I appreciate hearing from everyone.

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